the other day, peter and i watched mean girls 2 (i keep calling it that, though that is not what it’s called). we ate sushi that was actually good because we drove 45 minutes for it (good sushi is what i miss most about los angeles, besides my friends and the mountains). we paid $20 to rent it (totally insane), justifying that it would cost that much in the theatre. watching movies at home with peter is always better because we talk through them. i mean, we get to comment on them in peace.
that means i didn’t have to silently process renee rapp. i know her bc my algorithm, which has fully accepted my bisexuality before i have, keeps showing her to me. most recently i saw a tiktok of her being mean to someone at a meet and greet and everyone was commenting like ‘god she’s so real.’ in the movie, i thought she looked so mean. peter was like “i mean she’s playing regina george.” the movie is quite literally called mean girls. but i wanted her to look mean in a way that was obviously a performance, so i could see the nice girl underneath it.
why do i need everyone to be a nice girl?
i ate my tuna roll and considered her resting bitch face. i nearly thought, “she should smile more.” like i just tumbled right into misogyny. of course, i was looking at her and the other women and thinking about their 2004 counterparts. the skinny arms and flat stomachs of the women i saw in magazines when i was in middle school. and i think i did that thing that old people do. i think, instead of feeling glad for the current middle school girls who could see women with normal bodies on their screens, i felt bitter, like well i didn’t get that. i also thought their clothes were dumb lol.
i think i struggle to process my own aging, which makes it very difficult for me to understand my place in the world. like in my head i am still so young, so i think of myself as a companion to these people. renee rapp is 24! it would make sense if we were not “on the same page” about fashion. i am not supposed to like gen z fashion bc im not gen z. but it’s so weird to age out of being the center of culture. like, to want to still be ~cool~ but to know that you inherently are not. or like, you could be, but you have to work so much harder now. i remember in high school kids would play a really high pitched sound off their phone and everyone in the class would laugh because the teacher would go on writing on the board as if nothing was happening. Because she couldn’t hear it. Because she was too old. Now i’m like the teacher and ballet flats are the dog whistle i simply cannot hear.
whatever honestly the fashion thing is whatever. i am bothered that i am annoyed by the idea of a woman being popular but not nice, and being hot but not supermodel bodied. like sometimes you just can SEE how toxic systems and the patriarchy are embroiled in the way you perceive the world and youre just like FUCK they got me!! fuck i am perpetuating the very narratives that have ruined my life!! does renee rapp google kybella? bc i do!! i don’t want her to. i want her to live life like, i am hot and powerful and fuck you if you don’t think so. i want her to because i have no idea how.
anyway idk how to embed a tweet, so here’s a link to a video of renee rapp very casually saying she is ageist because a lot of millenial women have come for her. ADD ME TO THE LIST HUNNY!! honestly jk this made me like her.
kinda.
also struggling to process my aging, also googling kybella. free us all!
I’m cackling. I also criticize others’ resting bitch face even though I have the most intense case of it.