I want it all

embracing the multidimensional self

I’m getting the message everywhere. From the To Be Magnetic visualization guiding me to imagine my happiest, most fulfilled self at the end of my life, then asking what little insecurities or blocks have been preventing me from that happiness. From this woman on Instagram who regularly screams at me to change my energy, talking about how the full moon in Sag is “begging us to dream bigger,” and “aim higher than the target.” From the CHANI notification saying it’s time to enter my main character era. From Gabrielle Korn’s IG post on how being (healthily) delusional helped her write her novel. From this Kundalini Yoga practice guiding us to “release any limited ideas about how we can get to our hopes and dreams; release any of the dictates that our rational mind holds on how to get from A to B to C to achieve our success.¹”

The message is this: go for it. go big. don’t think too hard. and don’t be your own barrier.

So often, I am my own barrier. The logical part of my brain comes in and says things like, “Well, your chances are low,” “Well, that sounds really difficult.” The insecure, anxious part of my brain says, “You’re not good enough,” “No one’s interested.” Actually, I am acting as my own barrier right now. I’m having the thought that my first paragraph sounds insane (she’s talking about full moon energy??) and this paragraph sounds, idk, immature? Like if I hope to be a published author I should be more private about my insecurities and present myself as more confident than this. The thought makes me want to DNF this post and leave it to die with my 46 other drafts (seriously) that I allowed to die for the same reason.

But honestly…I want to be honest about my anxieties. At the same time, I want to be a published author. Can’t I be both?

i just took this in two seconds for the algorithm..should i have brushed my hair or like anti-wrinkle sprayed my linen? idk who cares, right? we’re all friends here RIGHT?

I struggle with this belief that I should be easily categorizable. This will make me “digestible” for “audiences” so I can “grow a following” and “get a book deal.” But I think I’m finally starting to give this belief up.

I’m currently taking an online course to become a certified meditation and mindfulness instructor. I want to record meditations and upload them to Insight Timer, I want to create something beautiful that helps people relax and feel good. Next month, I’m taking a writing course with The Fountain to work on my novel. I want to write another fiction manuscript, I want to get lost in my own world again. In the Fall, I’m taking an EFT (tapping) course. I want to make YouTube videos of tapping practices to help people feel more comfortable in their bodies. I am also currently on maternity leave, spending prettyyyyyy much every waking moment with my baby, and I want to keep being present for her, I want to be an amazing mom.

Before, I would have stopped myself from pursuing at least one or two of these things. They don’t make sense together. Author with a sex novel also has a tapping YouTube channel?? Huh? She diligently documents her insecurities on Substack but also teaches meditation? She’s working through her sexual repression but also she’s a happily married MOM!!?

But what if it all doesn’t have to make sense? What if I aim higher than the target? Sorry to talk about AI (it’ll be two seconds) but I think “not making sense” as a person might soon become a cultural currency—it will mean we are uniquely human, algorithmically resistant, unable to be replicated by a bot.

I always thought that publicly embracing all of myself would make me look unfocused & like I don’t know where my passions lie. But the truth is, I have too many passions to fit in one box². Embracing all of myself is what makes me different. I don’t know if it will make me stand out, but I know it will feel authentic, and that will feel good.

So here’s the truth: I want to be a published author. I want to write about whatever I want, I want to answer all my sacred questions whether they have to do with sex or God or some third personal mystery I have yet to discover. I want to weave spiritual practices into the ways I help others. I want to keep posting online, I want to be an Insight Timer celebrity!!!, I want to teach you which acupressure points to tap on your face to feel a little calmer. I want to be a loving partner, I want to be a good friend, I want to be a great mom.

I want it all! Unapologetically!

1. I did this practice last night and found it very powerful—if you try it, just be aware that you will be asked to “make small backward circles with the arms as you chant God God God God” for about five minutes… bc I personally was surprised by that

2. I’m a Manifesting Generator, if you’re a Human Design girlie

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+ A recommendation: You know you are lucky when you finish a story your friend wrote and you think, “If I didn’t already know her, I would look this writer up on Instagram and send her a weird, gushing, somehow-somewhat confessional DM telling her how much I loved this piece.” Such is the case with Olivia Crandall’s debut, which is truly so funny and good. Read here <3