i get older, college kids stay the same age
aging in a college town
It’s the middle of August and I live in a college town. I’m starting to think weird things.
Like, maybe I should google when the semester starts. Maybe I should roll my windows down so passersby can hear the music playing from my car, maybe they’d recognize the 20-year-old hyperpop musician with 180k monthly listeners. Maybe I’d drive by and they’d be like, whoa, who was that girl. Maybe I should go for a walk downtown, wearing a short dress. Maybe Peter and I should go to a bar where the upperclassmen go or the grad students go, maybe we should get a few drinks and just dance a little. Maybe I should go alone, maybe I should just check it out.
I’m pretty sure this is happening because I’m ovulating (TMI? grow up!!). Ovulation means possible embryo, possibly within the next month. Which means possibly having one more month of my life to be like, young.
The thing that scares me about becoming a parent is its irreversibility. It reminds me of the irreversibility of aging. I liked college but it wasn’t like the highlight of my life. I’m not dying to go back, I don’t want to be 21 again.
What freaks me out is that I can’t go back even if I wanted to.
I went to a concert two years ago where most of the crowd was, idk, probably ages 17-24. I was 31. I wore this vintage XL men’s Dockers sweater I depop’d and baggy, unflattering jeans. Shapeless, like everyone is now. I worried that I looked notably old, but I was so excited for the show that I didn’t care. I don’t think anyone looked at me one way or another. And then the show started and we all sang along to the music. I threw my hands up and brushed arms with whoever, kids in front of me jumped and I got the hair in my mouth of whoever, it didn’t matter, we all stepped on each other’s feet, we all knew the words to the songs. The music was the great equalizer, and no one’s age mattered at all.
But I knew I wouldn’t feel that way if I was 40. I wasn’t passing as a 24 year old, but I was passing as someone who fit in just enough. I cried after the show, knowing that there will come a time when I will not fit in, when I can’t stand in the pit next to a 21 year old without them assuming I’m someone’s mom. I don’t think that time is too far away.
I rewatch videos from that concert all the time. I bought a tour t-shirt in XL and now I wear it when I clean.
So I want to go to college bars in something low cut because I am so aware that I am on the fucking edge of it all. I can’t accept that there’s no turning back, that I’m old enough for a part of my life to just be over, irretrievable, no take-backs, no second chances.
I know that aging is a privilege, I know there’s beauty in getting older. I am aware that grasping for youth is not a “good look,” that it’s kind of desperate and pathetic, kind of boring to hear women bitch about (this is, of course, sexist—we are valued for our youth & beauty, then scoffed at when we struggle to adjust to life without it). But I guess I’m just scared of what it means to lose the opportunity to show up in the world a certain way.
Idk. Yall are catching me in a mood today. Sometimes I am totally fine with being my age and everything that it means. The possibility of getting pregnant just brings this up for me on a monthly basis, lol. But I guess, post-pregnancy, I could get a babysitter and go to the club. If I really wanted to. I guess I could be a college town milf. I guess I’d be totally honored to be a college town milf. So my priorities are just shifting. God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change (collagen loss), the courage to change the things i can (my wardrobe/personality), and the wisdom to know (how to become a milf).
i love that you guys read this newsletter lmfao. thank you.
LPB RECOMMENDS!!
acupuncture! A stunning young woman sticks needles in me every two weeks and I love it sm. We’re working with anxiety, grief, and prepping my body for baby. Almost better than the acupuncture tho is my burgeoning understanding of Chinese medicine. I am starting to see my body in a different way—not as something to tend to only when it’s sick, but more like a collection of systems to be balanced and harmonized. An internal life force to be preserved!! I love Traditional Chinese Medicine’s mind/body/earth connection, the way that emotions correspond with different internal organs and elements of nature. If you’re interested, my two fav Instagram accounts for learning more about this can be found here and here!
+ Reading: loved Scumbag Summer by Jillian Luft and am now onto I’m A Fan by Sheena Patel. My friend Erika, who has read the first 30 pages of my novel in progress, recommended it as a potential comp title for my project (she said it “matches my freak” and she made that sound cool in a way that i can’t do even in writing). It has been soo so cool to share my work with writer friends and have them notice things in the world that remind them of my project. to get texts like, “this book makes me think of yours” or “this song would be on your protagonist’s playlist.” it makes it feel so real and special. so again, encouraging you to share your stuff w trusted friends <3
+ Writing: Only added a little over a thousand words to my draft this week. But I did take an edible and write a shitty song from the POV of my musician character lmaooo so that was fun. Immersing myself in the project, baby!! Is this “the artist’s way”?? Feel like I have to start buckling down—I’m struggling to focus a little, which is annoying because I’m at a really fun point in my draft and I want to just lose myself in it. I think it’s about eliminating distractions. Like I should probably put my phone in a drawer when I write. I’m so addicted to my phone tbh (i am constantly texting???) and it takes up so much of my time.
Lots of love to you all this week!! <3
Ok are you me?! I seriously felt this TO MY CORE. I live in an area with a ton of colleges too and the other week I drove through and just thought, “they all look so YOUNG.”
I’m mid thirties and in some weird ironic (?) twist I feel younger than I ever have and I think I can also pull of moderately young looking still, but then I saw these 18-20 year olds and I was just so hit with the realization that we aren’t the same and it felt…not good or bad just SOBERING
Anyway I’ve also been trying to decide if I should pick up I’m a Fan so I’m curious what you think! Your book sounds awesome based off what you said here though, and sharing with beta readers and writing friends really is the best feeling!! 🥰
I swear I'm not stalking you (but then, do stalkers ever admit that's what they're doing?), but the titles of your essays always reach out and grab me. You seem pretty sure that ovulation will result in pregnancy and the end of your youth; I don't know anything about your chances at pregnancy, but I can assure you that your youth is not in jeopardy. I mean yes, teenagers don't generally regard me as a peer (although you'd be surprised at how open-minded about that they can be on a basketball court or a chess team, for example), but whole new vistas of people who are "young" come into view. Things are going to get better.