i want to be someone's one that got away

that would definitely fill the void, right?

My partner sent me a screenshot of his tenth grade camp crush’s recent Facebook post. She’s pregnant (and I have no feelings about that!!), posing naked in a bare room, amidst some perfectly placed shadows covering her boobs and vulva (sorry, but that’s literally what’s happening). He was like, “Wow, my camp crush is pregnant!” Then he sent another screenshot of a different woman wearing some sort of netted garment, a tight maxi dress with holes exposing the skin of her side body from armpit to ankle, and said, “Meanwhile, my elementary school crush is on the festival circuit.” Both women seemed happy in different ways. I texted him, “How would I look to you on your Facebook if we broke up years ago, and now I was just your freshman year girlfriend?”

He wrote back, “Hmmmmm,” typing, and I stared at my phone, waiting, desperate for some perspective on myself through eyes that are not my own. Specifically, through the imaginary gaze of someone who yearned for me once upon a time and was seeing me, now, as I currently present myself.

It’s hard to imagine the way someone who has yearned for me would see me now because I don’t really think anyone has yearned for me. I don’t have any ex-partners (well I have one but he’s gay) and my crushes were largely unrequited (they were often also gay). I can think of one person who probably had a crush on me in high school, but he never told me that. I’m only deducing based on the bizarrely intimate and near manic text messages we exchanged in the aftermath of a Catholic retreat that sort of brainwashed its participants into falling in love with each other. The feeling was mutual but it completely faded after like, two days, when the high was gone. I felt like I disappeared from his mind readily, like I was so easy to let go of.

I had one hook up in college before finding Peter, and by hook up I mean I met a guy at a party who was wearing a shirt that said The Smiths and we made out on a couch in my dorm’s student rec room. I just looked him up on Facebook and he either deleted it or defriended me, so he’s definitely not yearning. And since then I’ve been in my monogamous lil relationship, loyally avoiding eye contact with anyone who may mistakenly consider me a potential suitor.

But I guess even if I had exes, I wouldn’t know if they still yearned for me unless they told me. When Twitter was changing to X and we all thought, I guess, the world was gonna end?, I remember seeing tweets like, “If you have a crush on me, now’s your chance to tell me.” I am deeply embarrassed by other people’s brazen confidence so I really internally recoiled whenever I saw this—the assumption that they must be crushed on, the anticipation of some sort of clamoring for the opportunity to confess—but also, I get it. How tempting, to bait that dopamine rush and maybe actually catch a hit.

Sometimes I think I want something and then when I get it, I feel bad. For example, I am never posting on Instagram with the intention to project an easy or beautiful life, but of course, when I review the photos I intend to post, I am scanning them for how they might be perceived by others. I want others to think I look good and happy, that I’m funny and living a fulfilled life and that the stuff I have, the clothes I wear, are nice and cool. But there have been a few times where a friend has referenced something I posted and there’s been a hint of envy in their voice. And I’ve immediately felt bad. Like, sure, I posted this to look cool, but I didn’t want it to actually make anyone feel like their own life is lacking! I start to wonder what’s even the point of posting at all then; if my covert goal in posting photos is to get you to think I’m living a cool life but then, if I achieve that, the “big reward” is you feeling bad about yourself…then like, who is actually getting anything out of this.

I can’t help but think this applies to the dream of being someone’s one that got away, too. Like, I’m literally saying, “I hope someone longs for me in a way that makes them regret their missed opportunity from earlier in life (an action that can never be undone) and fantasize instead about an alternate universe in which I, somehow, miraculously, want them again.” Like it’s just plain rude. But also…yes?

Really, I think we’re talking (again) about the power that comes from being wanted. The dream of being so special that someone can’t stop thinking about you. The admission that something about you was really good, and maybe that was taken for granted or not really appreciated at the time, but now the person sees it, they recognize their mistake, and they’re sorry.

I guess that’s the real fantasy—to finally be seen for who I am, and to be desired for that. I think I have felt, over the course of my life, like I have something to offer that has gone largely unnoticed.

I have a partner and friends and family who notice these things, so I don’t know why I keep needing imaginary or fantasy people to notice them too. I think I keep thinking that if enough people see me and recognize me and love me, then I will finally feel it, I will finally feel good enough. Good enough for what? I guess good enough to be confident, to be less anxious, to stop putting people on pedestals, to stop drafting these substacks and thinking who fucking cares, to feel peace in my body, to trust that the universe really will take care of me.

I keep going to the hardware store for milk. I know Good Enough is a place inside me, it doesn’t come from anyone’s validation.

It’s just hard to find that place sometimes.

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*~*~* LPB RECOMMENDS *~*~*

• Chelsea Hodson’s TikTok!! Chelsea is uploading daily videos documenting her revision process and I’m finding it really fun and inspiring. Not only do I like hearing about what she’s up to, but I also think it’s such a creative use of social media that would benefit a lot of writers. Making the videos holds her accountable to her practice while also engaging with her community and building her platform. I think it’s genius. (EDIT: ok I wrote this a few days ago and she hasn’t uploaded in the last 4 days at time of this publication lollll I’m gonna keep this rec up tho because I still love it and I feel like maybe she’ll be back!)

+ Reading: I really enjoyed We Were The Universe! I read Bluets by Maggie Nelson and it made the world feel magical and big (and blue). I think I’m going to start I Love Dick by Chris Kraus next.

+Writing: I’m up to 37,665 words of my manuscript draft, which means I’ve added around 2500 words in the last two weeks. Honestly, this is good for me, and is a result of showing up to the work every day (except for when my friends were in town, tbh) and committing to writing at least 200 words. How many words do you typically write in a sitting? I think 200 probably is a very small number for many. Most days I wrote more, but I was comforted by the achievable goal. I tend to write very slowly and carefully. I am hoping it will make the revision stage a little less painful.