my angel lindsey. i listened to this at work and i have to begin by saying i love how soft your voice is. as a fellow soft-voiced girly, i am making an active effort to find the same type of content because i am so tired of people being loud at like 9am lmao. so that was lovely to open with.
you're very vulnerable in this and i know that takes so much effort, so thank you so much for entrusting us with such a raw and unedited version of yourself. this stream of thought reminded me of a conversation i was having with a very close friend about how i often feel (since also reaching 1k, congratulations!! well deserved!!) this sense of belonging more to the masses than myself as my outreach grows. it's suddenly a bit more of an effort to remain personal and open about my life. she told me (she writes too) that it's one of those things where writing as well written and as open as yours will always invite people in, to an uncomfortable measure and then you feel bad that you want certain people out.
but i don't think you should.
you're still allowed to feel weird and stressed about so many people consuming your content—and therefore you. i think that's very human, so don't be too hard on yourself. i love you tons. x
allyson, this is legitimately so helpful. we might even consider taking this to DMs at some point because I feel this ickiness around looking like I am complaining about having readers--it's not that, I have so much gratitude and awe for the audience I've reached. But I know that you, having reached a wide audience yourself (congratulations - it's so deserved, both due to the intention & thought you very clearly put into your essays and the kind way you engage with your readers) understand where I'm coming from. It's just...different, and tough to wrap my head around being perceived to this degree. The number is now big enough that my mind genuinely can't comprehend the fact of this amount of people getting my work delivered to their inboxes lol you know?? I am realizing that when the number was smaller, I had more faith in the general goodwill of the humans subscribing. And I hate this feeling of being more cautious or like, suspicious. Anyway. I just really appreciate talking to someone who is going through it too, and your friend's perspective is really lovely. Thank you for normalizing the weirdness. Maybe it's just growing pains and eventually it will become our new normal. I just don't want the weirdness to stop me from producing authentic work, which is really all I am interested in doing. Thanks so much again for your perspective and processing this with me. Love and appreciate you sm <33 oh and LOL ty for the words on my voice, I need to look through your substack now and see if you ever recorded your voice and I missed it!! i struggle with loud voices too hahaha no one needs that at 9am...
Listened to this while lying on my cervical spine pillow. Love the sound of your voice! lol I’m so annoyed by the gen Zrs comment honestly so weak grow up!! Its immature. I feel so unimpressed by criticisms from ppl who aren’t putting themselves out there. I truly believe there’s nothing more liberating than bearing your full soul. She is free and I see transcendence for you in the same way with your novel.
I'm so grateful for this perspective -- you're right!! criticism from people who aren't putting themselves out there is...not valuable. i need to remember that. so agree re: liberation and bearing the full soul. kinda gives me chills. grateful to have found writing, which is the only way i've learned how to truly do that. thanks so much for listening and saying nice things, i just love your insights <3
This podcast deserves a million listeners. I am officially a "reader" and "listener." Cool, funny, insightful, totally not embarrassing. "The cave man and stuff." I LOLed. Please keep going. Just living is not enough.
omg please don't wish a million listeners on me, I would truly shrivel up and die!! but fr this was extremely nice and kinda made my day lol. thanks so so much.
This has me thinking a lot about the ways that shame and embarrassment hold me back. They try to convince me not to create and share work, for fear of embarrassment, but they also chastise me for taking a break and not working on my art. Knowing that you go through something like this and still manage to put out this rich and honest work is inspiring. Thank you.
thanks so much for this comment, Michael! i think that's so profound: recognizing that the voice in our heads shames us both for writing/publishing and not writing/publishing. like we literally can't win, lol. which to me means that it's most helpful to just not engage with the voice at all. i don't wanna be bullied around by an inner voice that doesn't even hold a firm stance lol you know?? i'm really with you on this and i'm grateful that you listened & felt a sense of camaraderie!
I get it. I wouldn't think that you can find others that feel or think as I do. Yet, here we are. Cast in the same boat, drifting around the digital and real world, looking for something. I found your writing and audio very good, comforting, and like, feeling at home. Whether it is one or one thousand persons that follow and subscribe, for me, I like how your work, and I say this again, like a personal journal. Something you made for me to listen to, yet knowing many others also enjoy your work. It is why I dove into the deep end of your page because it feels comfortable and warm. You are a familiar voice and have knowledge that lets me know we can all keep going and enjoy what there is out there just by being ourselves. Thank you for another great piece. Wish I could write how wonderful it is and you are. Thank you.
this is so nice, Mark. when you tell me that my work brings you warmth and comfort, I genuinely feel warmth and comfort in my own body! like that's just the coolest exchange. drifting around the digital and real world, but at least we're internally cozy. thank you again for listening and i'm so glad it resonated.
i think what's so special about your writing and all around communication is how it evokes that LiveJournal Xanga era and more specifically the brief Golden Age of all that before the blogosphere turned self-aware: that feeling of intimacy and honesty, regardless of whether or not it's a construct, of whispering into the dark with your eyes closed. so much confession and disclosure omg. that's a rare and precious quality that hasn't survived the evolution of the internet & attention economy & internalized panopticon (etc.) very well. i remember the before and see the after... i was there! when my blog started getting traction i definitely drove the car into a tree cuz i couldn't stop thinking about 'performing' for others but i feel like you're so good at this you'll find a way through.
god that's what i'm tryingggg to do! I loved that digital intimacy with strangers. as a reader, it made the world feel smaller and safer. but now on the other side it's feeling...less safe! or maybe it's just emotionally scarier. but ofc it takes more courage to write honesty than to read it. dang i've gotta read this steve blog!! i know i could have the same fate if I think too hard about my audience. I'm really trying to separate from that (while not crossing my own self-disclosure boundaries) bc idk at the end of the day i really just want my writing to be authentic and real and truthful, and I don't think I can maintain that if i'm thinking too hard about being perceived. thanks so much for the perspective and support. i always read your comments at least twice.
what you said about deleting social media and then living and then dying kind of stuck with me. i might be a little depressed too? it’s hard for me to spend much time alone or even in silence without listening to music, so i make my days very very busy until i hardly have time to think. i did delete instagram and i find myself writing more because i can’t just scroll. which is good. writing is one of my biggest motivators — but i do find myself talking about it a lot, which kind of embarrasses me. like no, i should spend a lot of my time doing this thing i’m very passionate about and i should bottle it all up because that’s the humble — and therefore right — thing to do. i do think the act of having a platform like substack is an important way to assert your own identity, and your voice — i mean that’s kind of the point of writing, at least a little bit. it’s having an echo chamber to tell you your voice exists and it’s real and you’re real and you’re not going insane. i don’t really know. at the end of the day i think the small forms of joy are the most beautiful, and i think that trying new things can be really scary and also really transformative. so i’m trying to lean into that. thanks for this!
i love this sm maddy! so sorry to pass on my depression musings LOL. I'm v impressed you deleted instagram (i'm way too scared to do that - scared of just losing connection with loved ones and the world, I guess? & silly things like knowing what's going on in pop culture) and am almost devastated to hear that it did in fact lead to you writing more bc that might mean i have to do it too hahah. but for real I am really happy that you've found this flow. I understand what you mean about fearing silence. I actually don't relate to that in one sense -- I do things in silence often, probably bc I grew up in a family of 8 and I'm just like still recovering from the chaos lol -- but ultimately I think I do relate, because I've been wondering if sitting in silence and THINKING so much has contributed to my sense of despair. Like, I could probably stand to put a record on and just absorb the music rather than ruminate and muse so much, so you might be onto something there (or maybe we could each take a little inspo from each other). But the other thing I want to say is that I think it's so cool that you want to talk about writing a lot. I think that's lovely. Like I *want* to hear people talk about things they're passionate about, you know? I get to excited by other people's expression of their creative energy. Bottling it up is maybe the "cooler" thing to do idk but I find myself really inspired by people like you who are DOING the thing and then are excited to share their excitement. All this to say I hope you've found a person or two who are down to listen to you talk about writing and be excited with you in those convos <3
Admission(s): I have never listened to a podcast on Substack and didn't know they were even a thing. I also have an overwhelming fear not to be the creepy stalker/just generally gross person on this site, and completely thought about waiting to comment, but ...I enjoyed it! You are a natural and I totally felt the NPR vibes. Excellent job.
I was also thinking about the substance of your podcast and (just my very personal opinion) it feels as though your attempts to enunciate or provide light to your depression is/are such an important step towards "overcoming" it. When you laugh in the same sentence as you admit depression, it feels as though there is a lessening of its affect, if only for a moment.
And, because I can't seem to just say one thing, your desire to publish, to write, even with a fear of failure, is so relatable, but if you didn't, you would be literally writing in a diary, stuffing it between the mattresses, dreading your thoughts becoming public... but that is so boring and unsatisfying. You write because it IS you, and I think the world is a bit better because of it.
AND and, "do chores and die" is hilarious. I love it when I read/hear something casually brilliant.
oh man Chris I got a little teary eyed when I saw this in my inbox! I've seen your name in my notifications over the last few months so, as I do with many other dear diary readers, I have this parasocial relationship with your avatar hahah (you have a memorable & recognizable smile)...so to see you pop up with this kind and generous comment was just really cool. To have my work be so closely read (slash listened to) and commented upon in this way...idk I'm just feeling a lot of gratitude. Thank you for this perspective -- it actually did take me a long time to admit even to myself that I feel depressed, but once I did, it kinda felt like just owning it. Noticing it and playfully laughing at it does help. And you're so right about the writing thing. I've been journaling since I was in like, first grade, haha, so I'm gonna write whether I publish or not. But it IS a lot more boring to hide those words in shame, isn't it?? When I'm down about writing rejections, sometimes I do think about how it's all worth it bc if I wasn't putting myself out there, life would be so much less interesting. Thank you again for listening and sharing such kindness. I'm about to make dinner so hopping off but I'm going to send you a DM later to thank you for becoming a paid subscriber -- truly so generous. ty for shining a light on my day.
my angel lindsey. i listened to this at work and i have to begin by saying i love how soft your voice is. as a fellow soft-voiced girly, i am making an active effort to find the same type of content because i am so tired of people being loud at like 9am lmao. so that was lovely to open with.
you're very vulnerable in this and i know that takes so much effort, so thank you so much for entrusting us with such a raw and unedited version of yourself. this stream of thought reminded me of a conversation i was having with a very close friend about how i often feel (since also reaching 1k, congratulations!! well deserved!!) this sense of belonging more to the masses than myself as my outreach grows. it's suddenly a bit more of an effort to remain personal and open about my life. she told me (she writes too) that it's one of those things where writing as well written and as open as yours will always invite people in, to an uncomfortable measure and then you feel bad that you want certain people out.
but i don't think you should.
you're still allowed to feel weird and stressed about so many people consuming your content—and therefore you. i think that's very human, so don't be too hard on yourself. i love you tons. x
allyson, this is legitimately so helpful. we might even consider taking this to DMs at some point because I feel this ickiness around looking like I am complaining about having readers--it's not that, I have so much gratitude and awe for the audience I've reached. But I know that you, having reached a wide audience yourself (congratulations - it's so deserved, both due to the intention & thought you very clearly put into your essays and the kind way you engage with your readers) understand where I'm coming from. It's just...different, and tough to wrap my head around being perceived to this degree. The number is now big enough that my mind genuinely can't comprehend the fact of this amount of people getting my work delivered to their inboxes lol you know?? I am realizing that when the number was smaller, I had more faith in the general goodwill of the humans subscribing. And I hate this feeling of being more cautious or like, suspicious. Anyway. I just really appreciate talking to someone who is going through it too, and your friend's perspective is really lovely. Thank you for normalizing the weirdness. Maybe it's just growing pains and eventually it will become our new normal. I just don't want the weirdness to stop me from producing authentic work, which is really all I am interested in doing. Thanks so much again for your perspective and processing this with me. Love and appreciate you sm <33 oh and LOL ty for the words on my voice, I need to look through your substack now and see if you ever recorded your voice and I missed it!! i struggle with loud voices too hahaha no one needs that at 9am...
my dms are always open to you. pop in anytime. you are so lovely, lindsey. hope you're having a good day <33
<333
Do all your chores then die ☺️
:-) :-)
Listened to this while lying on my cervical spine pillow. Love the sound of your voice! lol I’m so annoyed by the gen Zrs comment honestly so weak grow up!! Its immature. I feel so unimpressed by criticisms from ppl who aren’t putting themselves out there. I truly believe there’s nothing more liberating than bearing your full soul. She is free and I see transcendence for you in the same way with your novel.
I'm so grateful for this perspective -- you're right!! criticism from people who aren't putting themselves out there is...not valuable. i need to remember that. so agree re: liberation and bearing the full soul. kinda gives me chills. grateful to have found writing, which is the only way i've learned how to truly do that. thanks so much for listening and saying nice things, i just love your insights <3
This podcast deserves a million listeners. I am officially a "reader" and "listener." Cool, funny, insightful, totally not embarrassing. "The cave man and stuff." I LOLed. Please keep going. Just living is not enough.
omg please don't wish a million listeners on me, I would truly shrivel up and die!! but fr this was extremely nice and kinda made my day lol. thanks so so much.
Sincerely I thought it was very cool and also you have a great p-cast voice.
This has me thinking a lot about the ways that shame and embarrassment hold me back. They try to convince me not to create and share work, for fear of embarrassment, but they also chastise me for taking a break and not working on my art. Knowing that you go through something like this and still manage to put out this rich and honest work is inspiring. Thank you.
thanks so much for this comment, Michael! i think that's so profound: recognizing that the voice in our heads shames us both for writing/publishing and not writing/publishing. like we literally can't win, lol. which to me means that it's most helpful to just not engage with the voice at all. i don't wanna be bullied around by an inner voice that doesn't even hold a firm stance lol you know?? i'm really with you on this and i'm grateful that you listened & felt a sense of camaraderie!
I get it. I wouldn't think that you can find others that feel or think as I do. Yet, here we are. Cast in the same boat, drifting around the digital and real world, looking for something. I found your writing and audio very good, comforting, and like, feeling at home. Whether it is one or one thousand persons that follow and subscribe, for me, I like how your work, and I say this again, like a personal journal. Something you made for me to listen to, yet knowing many others also enjoy your work. It is why I dove into the deep end of your page because it feels comfortable and warm. You are a familiar voice and have knowledge that lets me know we can all keep going and enjoy what there is out there just by being ourselves. Thank you for another great piece. Wish I could write how wonderful it is and you are. Thank you.
this is so nice, Mark. when you tell me that my work brings you warmth and comfort, I genuinely feel warmth and comfort in my own body! like that's just the coolest exchange. drifting around the digital and real world, but at least we're internally cozy. thank you again for listening and i'm so glad it resonated.
i think what's so special about your writing and all around communication is how it evokes that LiveJournal Xanga era and more specifically the brief Golden Age of all that before the blogosphere turned self-aware: that feeling of intimacy and honesty, regardless of whether or not it's a construct, of whispering into the dark with your eyes closed. so much confession and disclosure omg. that's a rare and precious quality that hasn't survived the evolution of the internet & attention economy & internalized panopticon (etc.) very well. i remember the before and see the after... i was there! when my blog started getting traction i definitely drove the car into a tree cuz i couldn't stop thinking about 'performing' for others but i feel like you're so good at this you'll find a way through.
god that's what i'm tryingggg to do! I loved that digital intimacy with strangers. as a reader, it made the world feel smaller and safer. but now on the other side it's feeling...less safe! or maybe it's just emotionally scarier. but ofc it takes more courage to write honesty than to read it. dang i've gotta read this steve blog!! i know i could have the same fate if I think too hard about my audience. I'm really trying to separate from that (while not crossing my own self-disclosure boundaries) bc idk at the end of the day i really just want my writing to be authentic and real and truthful, and I don't think I can maintain that if i'm thinking too hard about being perceived. thanks so much for the perspective and support. i always read your comments at least twice.
what you said about deleting social media and then living and then dying kind of stuck with me. i might be a little depressed too? it’s hard for me to spend much time alone or even in silence without listening to music, so i make my days very very busy until i hardly have time to think. i did delete instagram and i find myself writing more because i can’t just scroll. which is good. writing is one of my biggest motivators — but i do find myself talking about it a lot, which kind of embarrasses me. like no, i should spend a lot of my time doing this thing i’m very passionate about and i should bottle it all up because that’s the humble — and therefore right — thing to do. i do think the act of having a platform like substack is an important way to assert your own identity, and your voice — i mean that’s kind of the point of writing, at least a little bit. it’s having an echo chamber to tell you your voice exists and it’s real and you’re real and you’re not going insane. i don’t really know. at the end of the day i think the small forms of joy are the most beautiful, and i think that trying new things can be really scary and also really transformative. so i’m trying to lean into that. thanks for this!
i love this sm maddy! so sorry to pass on my depression musings LOL. I'm v impressed you deleted instagram (i'm way too scared to do that - scared of just losing connection with loved ones and the world, I guess? & silly things like knowing what's going on in pop culture) and am almost devastated to hear that it did in fact lead to you writing more bc that might mean i have to do it too hahah. but for real I am really happy that you've found this flow. I understand what you mean about fearing silence. I actually don't relate to that in one sense -- I do things in silence often, probably bc I grew up in a family of 8 and I'm just like still recovering from the chaos lol -- but ultimately I think I do relate, because I've been wondering if sitting in silence and THINKING so much has contributed to my sense of despair. Like, I could probably stand to put a record on and just absorb the music rather than ruminate and muse so much, so you might be onto something there (or maybe we could each take a little inspo from each other). But the other thing I want to say is that I think it's so cool that you want to talk about writing a lot. I think that's lovely. Like I *want* to hear people talk about things they're passionate about, you know? I get to excited by other people's expression of their creative energy. Bottling it up is maybe the "cooler" thing to do idk but I find myself really inspired by people like you who are DOING the thing and then are excited to share their excitement. All this to say I hope you've found a person or two who are down to listen to you talk about writing and be excited with you in those convos <3
Admission(s): I have never listened to a podcast on Substack and didn't know they were even a thing. I also have an overwhelming fear not to be the creepy stalker/just generally gross person on this site, and completely thought about waiting to comment, but ...I enjoyed it! You are a natural and I totally felt the NPR vibes. Excellent job.
I was also thinking about the substance of your podcast and (just my very personal opinion) it feels as though your attempts to enunciate or provide light to your depression is/are such an important step towards "overcoming" it. When you laugh in the same sentence as you admit depression, it feels as though there is a lessening of its affect, if only for a moment.
And, because I can't seem to just say one thing, your desire to publish, to write, even with a fear of failure, is so relatable, but if you didn't, you would be literally writing in a diary, stuffing it between the mattresses, dreading your thoughts becoming public... but that is so boring and unsatisfying. You write because it IS you, and I think the world is a bit better because of it.
AND and, "do chores and die" is hilarious. I love it when I read/hear something casually brilliant.
oh man Chris I got a little teary eyed when I saw this in my inbox! I've seen your name in my notifications over the last few months so, as I do with many other dear diary readers, I have this parasocial relationship with your avatar hahah (you have a memorable & recognizable smile)...so to see you pop up with this kind and generous comment was just really cool. To have my work be so closely read (slash listened to) and commented upon in this way...idk I'm just feeling a lot of gratitude. Thank you for this perspective -- it actually did take me a long time to admit even to myself that I feel depressed, but once I did, it kinda felt like just owning it. Noticing it and playfully laughing at it does help. And you're so right about the writing thing. I've been journaling since I was in like, first grade, haha, so I'm gonna write whether I publish or not. But it IS a lot more boring to hide those words in shame, isn't it?? When I'm down about writing rejections, sometimes I do think about how it's all worth it bc if I wasn't putting myself out there, life would be so much less interesting. Thank you again for listening and sharing such kindness. I'm about to make dinner so hopping off but I'm going to send you a DM later to thank you for becoming a paid subscriber -- truly so generous. ty for shining a light on my day.