Um hi are you me? Because how else would you be able to write exactly what I'm feeling.
I struggle so much in the balance in finding joy in writing vs the constant ego-deflation of "the business of" writing. Is there a balance? Can I do one without the other? If I publish my essay in the middle of the forest and no one else reads it, should I have written it at all? (god I sound so dramatic)
I'm learning to make peace with my ego but it's not easy: if I feed it too much or too little it's not good. Validation is a way of feeding my ego. If I get 0 validation that's not good (been there), but of I only feed my ego with validation, that's not good either (also been there)
All this to say I have no answers but I felt seen in your writing and that brought me comfort. Hopefully this comment brings you some comfort too.
PS: If I could block my writing dashboard URL so that I never compulsively click on it again I would.
lolll right?? I'm addicted to my dashboard!! thank you for reading and for *validating* my experience lol. you're making a great point about the importance of finding balance (I always forget that and think things need to be one or the other). Either 0% or 100% external validation, like you say, are not really ideal.
I journal privately and have my whole life--that kind of writing has for sure felt pleasurable, but it doesn't fulfill the desire to have my experience/pain/thoughts witnessed. i'm not sure where that desire comes from, but maybe it's just human? thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts <3
I think many writers can relate. I ask myself: if I were writing with no reader aside from myself, would I be satisfied? And I'm trying to answer: Yes. In the past, that craving for validation would often make me stop writing. Because if I received no feedback, I thought my work was useless and dumb. And I would ask myself: what's the point?
But since a year, I've been more consistent by reminding myself that if I'm writing for myself, then I'm going to be my number one reader. I'm going to help myself, and validate myself.
love this <3 that mentality also keeps you writing things you actually like rather than things you think might "perform" well for other people. that's really important to me, too.
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
Damn. Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I already know this is one of those posts I am going to come back to and read over and over again willing my problems to be absorbed in the act. I relate so so so much. I am tortured by "would I still write if no body was there?" "Am I ONLY doing this for validation?". Torture Torture Torture. But I am learning that there is insight and beauty and power that come with being SEEN. There is a cathartic healing that slowly seeps into my soul when I quiet the demons in my mind and courageously post what I'd only ever kept locked in my mind. In fact, I'm about to publish a post that feels raw and shameful to me, and I question my motivation and could drive myself mad. But I know I want to share more than I want to hide, I want to be seen more than I want to be a misunderstood, I want to inspire more than I want to be scared. So, in summary. THANK YOU. this post came at the most perfect time. 💛💛💛
I relate to this so much. I started my substack as a way to "Write with no religion" and to "Write freely" but as my audience has grown and sometimes stagnated, I discovered I had more moments than I care to share where the motivation to publish was driven by a desire to be seen. It's a journey I navigate for as long as I will be a writer. Thank you for sharing this post and allowing me to see a piece of myself in you!
It really is a journey! After sitting on this a few days, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to publish as a way to be seen...I think we just have to be realistic about what "being seen" really means (like for me, that's accepting that maybe I am "seen" through my writing, but that doesn't mean I no longer feel sad or lonely or unsatisfied sometimes). We're all figuring it out together, lol. Thanks so much for reading, Stanley!
How could I not leave a comment on this post. I think so many of us here on substack can relate to that feeling of craving the validation. Your unique insight has given me and I'm sure many others, food for thought. Thank you ☺️
Holy hell, that intro paragraph caught me off guard in the best way possible. I loved your use of prose and language; that was delicious for me, so thank you. Also, speaking of validation I had an adjacent experience with posting my first blog post the other week--after thinking about the project for years--and that intial wave of "holly hell it actually happened" is like none other. Great piece! I can't wait to look more into your work!
Thank you Pierson!! I really appreciate your comments about my prose <3 it's wild to launch a project that has been on your mind for a while. It's so vulnerable and exciting. But then after the initial dopamine rush of posting and getting comments, you're really just left with yourself and the work. It's interesting to continue to navigate how to relate to that as the publishing journey goes on. Best of luck with your project!!
This is a struggle I deal with too. While I’ve been here for a month, I often wonder who views my posts, who likes them and what do my emails about their metrics say? I write for myself but it often felt good seeing praise come from other people. Hence why I post here in the first place. Due to wanting to spread that joy with others that I couldn’t elsewhere.
it does feel good to get praise! i guess for me I realized I was just relying on it too much, as if getting "enough" praise would heal my life or something, lol. trying to see it just as a nice relational moment instead <3 have fun on your substack journey!!
I find myself in the “well if I’m writing for me why do I want to publish” loop fairly often. I have trouble switching between ‘writing’ mode and ‘publishing’ mode. I figure worst case scenario, someone will discover all my unpublished manuscripts after I die and either publish them or not lol. My therapist would probably say that I should work on seeking validation from myself. But that seems hard.
right?? it does seem hard. lol. I guess I'm just finding that receiving validation through publishing doesn't even really work (for me) at achieving the goal I want it to (giving me a perfect life with no pain and suffering LOL). but MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO PUBLISH A BESTSELLING NOVEL AND IT WILL!! tbd. to your point about writing and publishing mode: I heard that Lauren Groff says that there are two selves, the author & the writer, and to keep them separate. I'm pretty sure she also said she has some sort of jewelry item that she puts on when she is transitioning from one mode to the other. I like that idea of using something tangible to separate "business" from creative. Because I don't want the me that publishes to have any influence over the me that writes!
we’ve talked about the things that follow us and i know that being seen/understood comes up for you — super valid, and i think especially as a writer, it makes so much sense to continue to look for that on the page, because it feels impossible without publication. you can find some sort of catharsis from journaling, from stories that sit in your ‘drawer’ (or whatever you’ve labeled the ‘for later’ folder on your laptop), from fragments in your notes app on your phone. but no one sees you and thus no one understands you if you don’t publish.
i think a lot about what makes people become writers. storytelling is an inherently human trait; we’ve been passing the tradition down for thousands of years. we tell stories that are true, we embellish stories so that they’re only sort of true, and we make stories up entirely. but only some of us go through the gruelling (or not gruelling — if you’re a writer and it’s easy for you, GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU lol) process of writing a novel or a collection of short stories or whatever. and of those people, even fewer seek to publish. people generally crave validation — that’s not exclusive to writing, i think.
so i do wonder what specifically appeals to us about writing, and the validation that comes from that. there is something EXTREMELY exposing about it — if you want to be seen, if you want to be understood, you can do it best in your own words. you’re at your most ‘you’ on substack and in your stories. for me, i’m constantly seeking connection, and by ripping myself open and spilling it all on my laptop, i’ve convinced myself i’ll find it. i’ll write something so moving, so deep, that people will reach out to me instead of me reaching out to them. and it works! they do! so why would i ever stop? i don’t think you can reach any sort of permanent happiness that way — it slips through your fingers every time. people stop reaching out once they’ve forgotten about your story. attention spans are short. but then, no matter how you find it, so is joy. is permanent happiness even an achievable goal? i think these days i’m looking to be content, to feel settled within myself, and to grab onto joy for those brief moments when i can catch it. i think that is enough.
i’ve said it before, but i feel both compelled to write and compelled to publish. i assume other writers feel the same — if you’re a writer reading this, do you? are you looking for something when you write and when you publish, and have you found it?
yes to all of this. Love the point about storytelling as an inherently human trait. I think writing is just the perfect equation of like: something I enjoy + something I have been told I'm good at = the most sustainable, pleasurable way for me to seek validation. and even if it actually does provide validation, it doesn't provide permanent joy. and yes that's a horrible goal bc it's impossible lol. your goal of being content is much more reasonable. i feel like that's my logical goal, but my heart's secret goal is to somehow find that mysterious, magical way to "be fixed," to feel good and to feel "enough" all the time. i'm hoping to shift my goal away from "publishing to be seen/understood for the purpose of healing my life and eradicating pain" (lol) to "publishing to express myself as fully and truthfully as I can for the purpose of connecting with others." that actually kind of already sounds like it's your goal anyway because publishing is already so relational to you. so maybe you are not as tortured about this as I lol :')
i found myself relating to a lot of what you wrote in this post. i think that i am very driven in my publishing (publishing, not writing) to be understood, to be seen, too. i’ve been that way through social media and i’ve been that way through publishing poetry on lit mags and i’ve been that way on here. yesterday i was feeling very understood and very warm because i connected with two different people through substack, two people who mean more to me than just substack because they’re in my life in other ways. yet i woke up this morning and felt down and bored and disconnected from the world. because in many ways, that is how i feel on a regular basis, and an online connection can be beautiful and affirming, but it is also an online connection, and it has its limits. it won’t improve my life at large or transcend the internet to a significant degree. that improvement needs to come from within. i’m still working out what that means for me, and what exactly i’m lacking, but i’m trying not to put too much weight on platforms like this, even if it’s hard, because writing is like pinching off a corner of your soul and giving it out on a platter. anyways, much love and gratitude for your thoughts!
yes ugh you get it. this is exactly it. even the genuine feeling of warmth and connection shows up as a fleeting experience. it's hard to explain because it feels so obvious--of course we can't feel good ALL the time. but it's like, i really want to lol. and sometimes i feel like we have received the messaging that if you just "follow your dreams" (for us: write) life will be fulfilling and satisfying, and i think i have translated that to mean "there will be no pain." so i guess a big part of it for me is accepting that there will always be pain sometimes, regardless of the writing success and even regardless of the satisfying connections made through writing & publishing. love and gratitude, as always, right back at you <3
I’ve learned that over validation inevitably circles back to expectation. In some ways, it’s almost better to have to fight for your value (almost) than be constantly put on a pedestal. People I’ve met who are put on such pedestals are some of the worst people too. Finding the joy in what you do as a personal thing is important. It’s very easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel, but to see any sort of metamorphosis, we have to be brave enough to step off. ✨⭐️
yes!! joy as a personal thing. absolutely. and expectation is so tricky. I think partially because we care about our work a lot, and we spend a lot of time and effort on it, so we have hopes that others may too. Which turns into an expectation. and it hurts when something we care about a lot is not received with care! sighhh idk, it's a journey <3
I think it far more dangerous to be surrounded by those who will do nothing but puff you up than be despairing at your perceived lack of recognition. It has probably taken me twenty-years to learn this!
You just finally put to words what I’ve been struggling to formulate in my brain! I fall off of strong but contained bursts of enthusiasm for writing so intensely bc I’m not getting that short term validation when taking the time for long form projects and it’s so frustrating to finally recognize it but have no idea how to fix it!
Um hi are you me? Because how else would you be able to write exactly what I'm feeling.
I struggle so much in the balance in finding joy in writing vs the constant ego-deflation of "the business of" writing. Is there a balance? Can I do one without the other? If I publish my essay in the middle of the forest and no one else reads it, should I have written it at all? (god I sound so dramatic)
I'm learning to make peace with my ego but it's not easy: if I feed it too much or too little it's not good. Validation is a way of feeding my ego. If I get 0 validation that's not good (been there), but of I only feed my ego with validation, that's not good either (also been there)
All this to say I have no answers but I felt seen in your writing and that brought me comfort. Hopefully this comment brings you some comfort too.
PS: If I could block my writing dashboard URL so that I never compulsively click on it again I would.
lolll right?? I'm addicted to my dashboard!! thank you for reading and for *validating* my experience lol. you're making a great point about the importance of finding balance (I always forget that and think things need to be one or the other). Either 0% or 100% external validation, like you say, are not really ideal.
I journal privately and have my whole life--that kind of writing has for sure felt pleasurable, but it doesn't fulfill the desire to have my experience/pain/thoughts witnessed. i'm not sure where that desire comes from, but maybe it's just human? thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts <3
I think many writers can relate. I ask myself: if I were writing with no reader aside from myself, would I be satisfied? And I'm trying to answer: Yes. In the past, that craving for validation would often make me stop writing. Because if I received no feedback, I thought my work was useless and dumb. And I would ask myself: what's the point?
But since a year, I've been more consistent by reminding myself that if I'm writing for myself, then I'm going to be my number one reader. I'm going to help myself, and validate myself.
love this <3 that mentality also keeps you writing things you actually like rather than things you think might "perform" well for other people. that's really important to me, too.
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."
—Martha Graham to Agnes de Mille, 1943.
keep the channel open!! there is no satisfaction whatever at any time!! yes!! obsessed. thank you <3
🥹
Felt seem
<33
Damn. Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I already know this is one of those posts I am going to come back to and read over and over again willing my problems to be absorbed in the act. I relate so so so much. I am tortured by "would I still write if no body was there?" "Am I ONLY doing this for validation?". Torture Torture Torture. But I am learning that there is insight and beauty and power that come with being SEEN. There is a cathartic healing that slowly seeps into my soul when I quiet the demons in my mind and courageously post what I'd only ever kept locked in my mind. In fact, I'm about to publish a post that feels raw and shameful to me, and I question my motivation and could drive myself mad. But I know I want to share more than I want to hide, I want to be seen more than I want to be a misunderstood, I want to inspire more than I want to be scared. So, in summary. THANK YOU. this post came at the most perfect time. 💛💛💛
"But I know I want to share more than I want to hide" -- love love love this. Me too. Let's keep sharing!! <3
I relate to this so much. I started my substack as a way to "Write with no religion" and to "Write freely" but as my audience has grown and sometimes stagnated, I discovered I had more moments than I care to share where the motivation to publish was driven by a desire to be seen. It's a journey I navigate for as long as I will be a writer. Thank you for sharing this post and allowing me to see a piece of myself in you!
It really is a journey! After sitting on this a few days, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to publish as a way to be seen...I think we just have to be realistic about what "being seen" really means (like for me, that's accepting that maybe I am "seen" through my writing, but that doesn't mean I no longer feel sad or lonely or unsatisfied sometimes). We're all figuring it out together, lol. Thanks so much for reading, Stanley!
How could I not leave a comment on this post. I think so many of us here on substack can relate to that feeling of craving the validation. Your unique insight has given me and I'm sure many others, food for thought. Thank you ☺️
Thank you so much, Tania! <3
Holy hell, that intro paragraph caught me off guard in the best way possible. I loved your use of prose and language; that was delicious for me, so thank you. Also, speaking of validation I had an adjacent experience with posting my first blog post the other week--after thinking about the project for years--and that intial wave of "holly hell it actually happened" is like none other. Great piece! I can't wait to look more into your work!
Thank you Pierson!! I really appreciate your comments about my prose <3 it's wild to launch a project that has been on your mind for a while. It's so vulnerable and exciting. But then after the initial dopamine rush of posting and getting comments, you're really just left with yourself and the work. It's interesting to continue to navigate how to relate to that as the publishing journey goes on. Best of luck with your project!!
This is a struggle I deal with too. While I’ve been here for a month, I often wonder who views my posts, who likes them and what do my emails about their metrics say? I write for myself but it often felt good seeing praise come from other people. Hence why I post here in the first place. Due to wanting to spread that joy with others that I couldn’t elsewhere.
it does feel good to get praise! i guess for me I realized I was just relying on it too much, as if getting "enough" praise would heal my life or something, lol. trying to see it just as a nice relational moment instead <3 have fun on your substack journey!!
Ooph, ya.
I find myself in the “well if I’m writing for me why do I want to publish” loop fairly often. I have trouble switching between ‘writing’ mode and ‘publishing’ mode. I figure worst case scenario, someone will discover all my unpublished manuscripts after I die and either publish them or not lol. My therapist would probably say that I should work on seeking validation from myself. But that seems hard.
right?? it does seem hard. lol. I guess I'm just finding that receiving validation through publishing doesn't even really work (for me) at achieving the goal I want it to (giving me a perfect life with no pain and suffering LOL). but MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO PUBLISH A BESTSELLING NOVEL AND IT WILL!! tbd. to your point about writing and publishing mode: I heard that Lauren Groff says that there are two selves, the author & the writer, and to keep them separate. I'm pretty sure she also said she has some sort of jewelry item that she puts on when she is transitioning from one mode to the other. I like that idea of using something tangible to separate "business" from creative. Because I don't want the me that publishes to have any influence over the me that writes!
we’ve talked about the things that follow us and i know that being seen/understood comes up for you — super valid, and i think especially as a writer, it makes so much sense to continue to look for that on the page, because it feels impossible without publication. you can find some sort of catharsis from journaling, from stories that sit in your ‘drawer’ (or whatever you’ve labeled the ‘for later’ folder on your laptop), from fragments in your notes app on your phone. but no one sees you and thus no one understands you if you don’t publish.
i think a lot about what makes people become writers. storytelling is an inherently human trait; we’ve been passing the tradition down for thousands of years. we tell stories that are true, we embellish stories so that they’re only sort of true, and we make stories up entirely. but only some of us go through the gruelling (or not gruelling — if you’re a writer and it’s easy for you, GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU lol) process of writing a novel or a collection of short stories or whatever. and of those people, even fewer seek to publish. people generally crave validation — that’s not exclusive to writing, i think.
so i do wonder what specifically appeals to us about writing, and the validation that comes from that. there is something EXTREMELY exposing about it — if you want to be seen, if you want to be understood, you can do it best in your own words. you’re at your most ‘you’ on substack and in your stories. for me, i’m constantly seeking connection, and by ripping myself open and spilling it all on my laptop, i’ve convinced myself i’ll find it. i’ll write something so moving, so deep, that people will reach out to me instead of me reaching out to them. and it works! they do! so why would i ever stop? i don’t think you can reach any sort of permanent happiness that way — it slips through your fingers every time. people stop reaching out once they’ve forgotten about your story. attention spans are short. but then, no matter how you find it, so is joy. is permanent happiness even an achievable goal? i think these days i’m looking to be content, to feel settled within myself, and to grab onto joy for those brief moments when i can catch it. i think that is enough.
i’ve said it before, but i feel both compelled to write and compelled to publish. i assume other writers feel the same — if you’re a writer reading this, do you? are you looking for something when you write and when you publish, and have you found it?
yes to all of this. Love the point about storytelling as an inherently human trait. I think writing is just the perfect equation of like: something I enjoy + something I have been told I'm good at = the most sustainable, pleasurable way for me to seek validation. and even if it actually does provide validation, it doesn't provide permanent joy. and yes that's a horrible goal bc it's impossible lol. your goal of being content is much more reasonable. i feel like that's my logical goal, but my heart's secret goal is to somehow find that mysterious, magical way to "be fixed," to feel good and to feel "enough" all the time. i'm hoping to shift my goal away from "publishing to be seen/understood for the purpose of healing my life and eradicating pain" (lol) to "publishing to express myself as fully and truthfully as I can for the purpose of connecting with others." that actually kind of already sounds like it's your goal anyway because publishing is already so relational to you. so maybe you are not as tortured about this as I lol :')
i found myself relating to a lot of what you wrote in this post. i think that i am very driven in my publishing (publishing, not writing) to be understood, to be seen, too. i’ve been that way through social media and i’ve been that way through publishing poetry on lit mags and i’ve been that way on here. yesterday i was feeling very understood and very warm because i connected with two different people through substack, two people who mean more to me than just substack because they’re in my life in other ways. yet i woke up this morning and felt down and bored and disconnected from the world. because in many ways, that is how i feel on a regular basis, and an online connection can be beautiful and affirming, but it is also an online connection, and it has its limits. it won’t improve my life at large or transcend the internet to a significant degree. that improvement needs to come from within. i’m still working out what that means for me, and what exactly i’m lacking, but i’m trying not to put too much weight on platforms like this, even if it’s hard, because writing is like pinching off a corner of your soul and giving it out on a platter. anyways, much love and gratitude for your thoughts!
yes ugh you get it. this is exactly it. even the genuine feeling of warmth and connection shows up as a fleeting experience. it's hard to explain because it feels so obvious--of course we can't feel good ALL the time. but it's like, i really want to lol. and sometimes i feel like we have received the messaging that if you just "follow your dreams" (for us: write) life will be fulfilling and satisfying, and i think i have translated that to mean "there will be no pain." so i guess a big part of it for me is accepting that there will always be pain sometimes, regardless of the writing success and even regardless of the satisfying connections made through writing & publishing. love and gratitude, as always, right back at you <3
I’ve learned that over validation inevitably circles back to expectation. In some ways, it’s almost better to have to fight for your value (almost) than be constantly put on a pedestal. People I’ve met who are put on such pedestals are some of the worst people too. Finding the joy in what you do as a personal thing is important. It’s very easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel, but to see any sort of metamorphosis, we have to be brave enough to step off. ✨⭐️
yes!! joy as a personal thing. absolutely. and expectation is so tricky. I think partially because we care about our work a lot, and we spend a lot of time and effort on it, so we have hopes that others may too. Which turns into an expectation. and it hurts when something we care about a lot is not received with care! sighhh idk, it's a journey <3
I think it far more dangerous to be surrounded by those who will do nothing but puff you up than be despairing at your perceived lack of recognition. It has probably taken me twenty-years to learn this!
You just finally put to words what I’ve been struggling to formulate in my brain! I fall off of strong but contained bursts of enthusiasm for writing so intensely bc I’m not getting that short term validation when taking the time for long form projects and it’s so frustrating to finally recognize it but have no idea how to fix it!
you’re so pretty