ilysm!! Sorry I had to change seats three times at starbys and then my laptop overheated. It’s hard being a literary figure. Also this post made me think about how at my bachelorette party, I was the first one to go to sleep lol and everyone was like “c’mon! Live a little!” And I was like “no!”
HAHA i love hearing stories of your life before I met you. I honestly can't get a handle on whether you were a wild child or an anti-brat (like me) and i think that's cool. i didn't tell you but at one point the sun was glowing down on the crown of your head like you were a golden goddess--passionate, pure white energy, completely healed...a literary figure of the Universe <3 ilysm2!
Dude I have never related more to that entire statement. I almost can’t put into words how much I relate. Maybe I’ll share specifics anonymously, but for me taking risks recently was not like dangerous physically but mentally/emotionally in nature and that kind of vulnerability to me feels terrifying and is almost scarier than putting myself at risk in more physical situations 😅
I LOVE this and thank you for commenting!! I honestly feel like the mental/emotional risk taking is not as hard for me (hence this substack LOL in which i divulge way too much about my mind) but maybe that's because I'm still not going to the hard places. There's always more emotional vulnerability to experience, probably. I hope the mental/emotional risks have felt like they've provided a worthwhile payoff. That's such an interesting one bc I think the payoff there can sometimes feel dependent on how the other person receives your vulnerability, but i don't think that's true, the true payoff is internal, the prize is just self-expression. But it's such a lovely added bonus when vulnerability brings us closer to someone <3
ok this is fun. what first comes to mind is writing lol. like as someone who has tried drugs a few times, who takes contemporary dance class as an adult and swims in the ocean now, who is also currently applying to residencies across the country (!!) I say writing is risky. like taking time away from the moments in front of me to sit and disappear into what I’m creating instead? wilddddD. when I say writing I’m saying my novel cuz it’s such an expansive demanding process but it applies to my other writing too like anytime I’m choosing to go into my artistry at all vs move into the hours another way feels like I could be making some sort of idk, mistake? sacrifice? then not letting that stop me is even riskier! but that permission is what, I think, gives the high. like the decision itself to follow an idea into whatever unknown space. it’s this like recognition of the seemingly unbelievable? ya know? you can’t imagine it until you’re living it, and it’s real in front of you, and living it is just as unimaginable. like “what? I’m doing this? how incredible.” that dichotomy is jarring and awakening and leaves you breathless. and writing is the thing that keeps asking you to imagine, to follow, etc. it isn’t singular like taking a pill at a rave or walking into a dance studio, or letting the sea lift around you for an afternoon. writing is continuous and pulling and steals you and keeps you.
I love this Meg--thank you. you're so right. It's funny because writing doesn't *feel* risky in the way I imagine risk to feel. It is slow and steady and subtle. But maybe equating risk with danger is part of my problem. Risk can also just mean taking a chance in this expansive, curious way. I also just love this take because I hear so many people talk about how writing is hard, or they "hate writing" and I just...don't relate to that and am uninspired by that attitude. lol. So excited to hear you're working on a novel and I truly cannot wait to read it one day. Congrats on the residency apps too!! In alexander chee's recent newsletter he said something like: you should get into the habit of applying for things because it's like betting on yourself. I hope I didn't butcher that, but I really liked it. Happy to be betting on ourselves together <3
Yeah I’m always afraid if I actually skip a doctors appt or smoke a cig I’ll be punished by immediate death like struck down by lightning seriously. 😒 I work a 12 step program and one of the quotes is like “knowledge avails us nothing” bc like just knowing something isn’t enough to change it. There’s definitely more power in action but it sucks and is hard lol. Oh here’s another quote “you can’t think yourself into right action” 🙄 wow AA is so fucking annoying
This reminded me of a quotation from Louis L'amour (who wrote western adventure stories): "“Adventure is just a romantic name for trouble. It sounds swell when you write about it, but it's hell when you meet it face to face in a dark and lonely place.” If I could make a suggestion, it would be to find something you really really want to accomplish and try it. Adventures will happen on their own - to try to stop you.
I think about this a lot!! I have panic disorder which definitely prevents me from doing a lot of stuff, but even before that I was afraid of stuff. i'm afraid of being too free from my desire to be beautiful, bc if I didn't have that desire, then I just wouldn't be beautiful and that haunts me every day? Probably the things I get excited about the most are little treats like yes, a cheese board, and my entire day revolves around eating a piece of chocolate before bed. Taking a risk for me would be like, skipping a doctor's appointment and smoking a cigarette. I yearn for that. I also want to blow up my life but not really.
thank you for putting Scumbag Summer on the radar, I feel so hot and evil just thinking about it, can't wait.
omg yes I would LOVE to skip a doctor's appointment and smoke a cigarette! i feel biologically incapable. I'm too afraid of death?? love what you said--"If I didn't have that desire, then I just wouldn't be beautiful and that haunts me every day" lol...like the obvious question would be "why does it haunt you, what does it mean to not be beautiful?" but i think this Substack is teaching me that asking ourselves those questions often doesn't get us anywhere. like I'm sure you know the answer to that (or maybe partially), but it's not like that changes the feeling. knowledge is simply not power!! I'm not sure what I'm saying exactly, maybe just that I historically have put a lot of effort into thinking and not acting, and maybe life lessons come more from acting than i thought they did.
LOL yes so happy to hear you're into scumbag summer--I read a little more this morning and spoiler alert the protagonist dry humps her boss in their office so fuck yeah hot & evil books <33
I have nothing “risky” to add because I am in fact exactly like you, so much so that I also get ads for that same retainer cleaner. I want it so badly. I’m convinced that it will fix me (my teeth are fine, but also what if they’re not??)
The thing I do that makes me feel most alive (but not like I'm gonna die) is traveling! These days, travel feels so different, so expensive, so inaccessible... but I still find ways to get away to new places at least once a year (or mini trips in between.) For me, it is most important to do these trips solo and with as little phone-access as possible. Like... walking around a brand new city without a map app and just talking to strangers.... so risky and so fun! All of my best stories have happened in this realm and it really gets me out of my comfort zone. <3
Loved your newsletter this week and your reading recommendations are on my list! Congrats on 40K!!!!
I love this so much, thank you for commenting!! You know, I always felt like "travel" was almost too pure of an answer, almost like, "not risky enough"...but I don't know why I thought that. Your description of walking around solo with little phone access absolutely sounds like an adventure. Thank you for broadening my horizons & reminding me that adventure doesn't have to mean like, shooting heroin in a dive bar bathroom hahaha. Thank you SO MUCH for the congrats!! I appreciate you! <3
The best way I can sum up this feeling (for me! because I relate) is the internal battle between wanting to survive and wanting to feel alive lol. I was definitely wild and more adventurous in my early 20s. Now I'm in my early 30s and I feel nostalgic for those times and how easy that mindset came to me then, but now I truly prefer a good docuseries, hanging out with my cat, etc. Hahha. I suggest maybe doing things that bring you the feeling of 'awe' without the immediate danger. Like hiking up a volcano, going scuba diving - trying new things that will kinda ground you in how amazing and different they are than your everyday life.
I hope this helps or even makes sense; I'm not sure, but I have been trying to satisfy this urge that way, at least.
Love this, thank you so much for your input! The internal battle between wanting to survive and wanting to feel alive is SO GOOD yes that's totally it! And I think you bring up a good point--I want to honor the lifestyle I *genuinely* prefer, and I'm with you, I feel like I genuinely prefer nights in with my cat, lol. I just have also wondered if that preference was shaped by fear/self-limitation rather than like, my raw Truthful desire. I guess it's hard to know. Love that idea about bringing more awe into my life. I am all about awe <3
🥲😍😘
ilysm!! Sorry I had to change seats three times at starbys and then my laptop overheated. It’s hard being a literary figure. Also this post made me think about how at my bachelorette party, I was the first one to go to sleep lol and everyone was like “c’mon! Live a little!” And I was like “no!”
HAHA i love hearing stories of your life before I met you. I honestly can't get a handle on whether you were a wild child or an anti-brat (like me) and i think that's cool. i didn't tell you but at one point the sun was glowing down on the crown of your head like you were a golden goddess--passionate, pure white energy, completely healed...a literary figure of the Universe <3 ilysm2!
Dude I have never related more to that entire statement. I almost can’t put into words how much I relate. Maybe I’ll share specifics anonymously, but for me taking risks recently was not like dangerous physically but mentally/emotionally in nature and that kind of vulnerability to me feels terrifying and is almost scarier than putting myself at risk in more physical situations 😅
I LOVE this and thank you for commenting!! I honestly feel like the mental/emotional risk taking is not as hard for me (hence this substack LOL in which i divulge way too much about my mind) but maybe that's because I'm still not going to the hard places. There's always more emotional vulnerability to experience, probably. I hope the mental/emotional risks have felt like they've provided a worthwhile payoff. That's such an interesting one bc I think the payoff there can sometimes feel dependent on how the other person receives your vulnerability, but i don't think that's true, the true payoff is internal, the prize is just self-expression. But it's such a lovely added bonus when vulnerability brings us closer to someone <3
ok this is fun. what first comes to mind is writing lol. like as someone who has tried drugs a few times, who takes contemporary dance class as an adult and swims in the ocean now, who is also currently applying to residencies across the country (!!) I say writing is risky. like taking time away from the moments in front of me to sit and disappear into what I’m creating instead? wilddddD. when I say writing I’m saying my novel cuz it’s such an expansive demanding process but it applies to my other writing too like anytime I’m choosing to go into my artistry at all vs move into the hours another way feels like I could be making some sort of idk, mistake? sacrifice? then not letting that stop me is even riskier! but that permission is what, I think, gives the high. like the decision itself to follow an idea into whatever unknown space. it’s this like recognition of the seemingly unbelievable? ya know? you can’t imagine it until you’re living it, and it’s real in front of you, and living it is just as unimaginable. like “what? I’m doing this? how incredible.” that dichotomy is jarring and awakening and leaves you breathless. and writing is the thing that keeps asking you to imagine, to follow, etc. it isn’t singular like taking a pill at a rave or walking into a dance studio, or letting the sea lift around you for an afternoon. writing is continuous and pulling and steals you and keeps you.
I love this Meg--thank you. you're so right. It's funny because writing doesn't *feel* risky in the way I imagine risk to feel. It is slow and steady and subtle. But maybe equating risk with danger is part of my problem. Risk can also just mean taking a chance in this expansive, curious way. I also just love this take because I hear so many people talk about how writing is hard, or they "hate writing" and I just...don't relate to that and am uninspired by that attitude. lol. So excited to hear you're working on a novel and I truly cannot wait to read it one day. Congrats on the residency apps too!! In alexander chee's recent newsletter he said something like: you should get into the habit of applying for things because it's like betting on yourself. I hope I didn't butcher that, but I really liked it. Happy to be betting on ourselves together <3
Yeah I’m always afraid if I actually skip a doctors appt or smoke a cig I’ll be punished by immediate death like struck down by lightning seriously. 😒 I work a 12 step program and one of the quotes is like “knowledge avails us nothing” bc like just knowing something isn’t enough to change it. There’s definitely more power in action but it sucks and is hard lol. Oh here’s another quote “you can’t think yourself into right action” 🙄 wow AA is so fucking annoying
LOL ok these quotes are personal attacks but i appreciate their wisdom...begrudgingly
just here, being changed by your words!!!
you're so sweet, thank you Nina!! <33
This reminded me of a quotation from Louis L'amour (who wrote western adventure stories): "“Adventure is just a romantic name for trouble. It sounds swell when you write about it, but it's hell when you meet it face to face in a dark and lonely place.” If I could make a suggestion, it would be to find something you really really want to accomplish and try it. Adventures will happen on their own - to try to stop you.
Love this—really turns the definition of adventure on its head. Thank you for this perspective!!
I'm glad you liked it. It makes me laugh to reread it (the idea of adventures as the universe trying to thwart you), but I think it's true. :)
I think about this a lot!! I have panic disorder which definitely prevents me from doing a lot of stuff, but even before that I was afraid of stuff. i'm afraid of being too free from my desire to be beautiful, bc if I didn't have that desire, then I just wouldn't be beautiful and that haunts me every day? Probably the things I get excited about the most are little treats like yes, a cheese board, and my entire day revolves around eating a piece of chocolate before bed. Taking a risk for me would be like, skipping a doctor's appointment and smoking a cigarette. I yearn for that. I also want to blow up my life but not really.
thank you for putting Scumbag Summer on the radar, I feel so hot and evil just thinking about it, can't wait.
omg yes I would LOVE to skip a doctor's appointment and smoke a cigarette! i feel biologically incapable. I'm too afraid of death?? love what you said--"If I didn't have that desire, then I just wouldn't be beautiful and that haunts me every day" lol...like the obvious question would be "why does it haunt you, what does it mean to not be beautiful?" but i think this Substack is teaching me that asking ourselves those questions often doesn't get us anywhere. like I'm sure you know the answer to that (or maybe partially), but it's not like that changes the feeling. knowledge is simply not power!! I'm not sure what I'm saying exactly, maybe just that I historically have put a lot of effort into thinking and not acting, and maybe life lessons come more from acting than i thought they did.
LOL yes so happy to hear you're into scumbag summer--I read a little more this morning and spoiler alert the protagonist dry humps her boss in their office so fuck yeah hot & evil books <33
I have nothing “risky” to add because I am in fact exactly like you, so much so that I also get ads for that same retainer cleaner. I want it so badly. I’m convinced that it will fix me (my teeth are fine, but also what if they’re not??)
this made me laugh out loud. we need to buy this retainer cleaner
The thing I do that makes me feel most alive (but not like I'm gonna die) is traveling! These days, travel feels so different, so expensive, so inaccessible... but I still find ways to get away to new places at least once a year (or mini trips in between.) For me, it is most important to do these trips solo and with as little phone-access as possible. Like... walking around a brand new city without a map app and just talking to strangers.... so risky and so fun! All of my best stories have happened in this realm and it really gets me out of my comfort zone. <3
Loved your newsletter this week and your reading recommendations are on my list! Congrats on 40K!!!!
I love this so much, thank you for commenting!! You know, I always felt like "travel" was almost too pure of an answer, almost like, "not risky enough"...but I don't know why I thought that. Your description of walking around solo with little phone access absolutely sounds like an adventure. Thank you for broadening my horizons & reminding me that adventure doesn't have to mean like, shooting heroin in a dive bar bathroom hahaha. Thank you SO MUCH for the congrats!! I appreciate you! <3
The best way I can sum up this feeling (for me! because I relate) is the internal battle between wanting to survive and wanting to feel alive lol. I was definitely wild and more adventurous in my early 20s. Now I'm in my early 30s and I feel nostalgic for those times and how easy that mindset came to me then, but now I truly prefer a good docuseries, hanging out with my cat, etc. Hahha. I suggest maybe doing things that bring you the feeling of 'awe' without the immediate danger. Like hiking up a volcano, going scuba diving - trying new things that will kinda ground you in how amazing and different they are than your everyday life.
I hope this helps or even makes sense; I'm not sure, but I have been trying to satisfy this urge that way, at least.
Love this, thank you so much for your input! The internal battle between wanting to survive and wanting to feel alive is SO GOOD yes that's totally it! And I think you bring up a good point--I want to honor the lifestyle I *genuinely* prefer, and I'm with you, I feel like I genuinely prefer nights in with my cat, lol. I just have also wondered if that preference was shaped by fear/self-limitation rather than like, my raw Truthful desire. I guess it's hard to know. Love that idea about bringing more awe into my life. I am all about awe <3
I get that! I wonder if mine is shaped by fear/self-limitation too sometimes, you're not alone!
I feel like every one of us is a repressed adventure seeker because we are instilled with fears.
This piece was truthful and beautiful. It made me laugh and question. I loved this 🫶
Thanks so much for this sweet response, Vivi <3 it's nice to know I'm not alone. Appreciate you!!