"im jealous that they believed in themselves enough to try something hard and scary." This exact feeling has been eating me from the inside out, because i think to myself, i'm a random person! a nobody! like why should i do that? who am i to write that book/make that video/be an online presence? but at the same time, i have to believe in myself first for others to see me/read my work. and the imposter syndrome is so real and so big and so CONSUMING. Thank you for putting this feeling into words, and as always, validating me (and others.) It's incredible to know that this feeling that's eating me up is not just in me, but that it happens and it's surmountable.
omg yes, SO not just you <3 sometimes i think about how wild it is that "imposter syndrome" (which i feel, deeply) is literally just our brains having the thought that "im not good enough." like nothing in the world is ACTUALLY happening to tell us we aren't good enough, we are just choosing to believe that about ourselves (because even when things happen that we think might suggest "i'm not good enough," like a rejection or a poor performing post or whatever it is, there are tons of OTHER things that have happened that suggest that we are good enough). i heard once that we can't choose the first thought (that automatic "ugh im a piece of shit" thought that pops up when triggered) but we can choose the second thought. we can follow up that first thought with something kinder, or more encouraging. this is what im trying to do but its hard lol. im also trying to look at it as exciting. like making substack posts like this are vulnerable, but because they are scary, they add a little spice to my life. basically trying to find ways to trick myself into doing scary things, haha! thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts <3
so true!! cultivating a second thought and focusing on it rather than the first critical thought is excellent practice. so hard but so worth it. there's days that are easier to do so and other days when the first thoughts feel like massive blows and the spiralling begins. like you said, none of this is real!! literally all in our heads !
it feels deeply unfair that you have to write a novel to publish a novel, and it’s something that i frequently think about as i stare at the angry cursor at the end of my extremely unfinished short story collection lol
we’ve talked at length about professional jealousy before, and i think it’s so unavoidable as a writer. it’s deeply difficult for me to escape the question you posed: do i want to be successful, or do i want other people to think i’m successful?
for me, as mentioned in other substack comments, i’m convinced (inaccurately, i’m sure) that writing success is the cure to my loneliness. but it’s so hard to hold onto the knowledge that it ISN’T the cure when the responses i get to stories are so, so validating. my most recently published short story was wildly vulnerable in a way i don’t usually allow myself to get in my fiction, at least not fiction that sees the light of day, and i almost didn’t send it out. but as i read over it i just could not stop myself from using this story as my desperate reach for connection. and then the responses! so many people messaged me and told me how they felt reading it! and it was how i felt writing it! connection! achieved!
so how can we not chase success, when it feels like that? and how can we watch others get it, and know that now they’re feeling what we feel, and not want more in that exact moment? you have work that is so deeply vulnerable and beautiful, so i know you must be getting what i get, and probably even more so. as happy as i am for you, how can i not want what you have?
the real cure to my loneliness, probably, is the writing itself. or maybe it’s my friendship with you, and with other writers. isn’t that success? community, new stories to read, people who push me to be better. and if we’re a little jealous along the way, maybe that’s not so bad. it’s certainly not abnormal, because as far as i can tell, we all feel it <3
ugh i love your comments <3 YES. this is all so aptly timed too, as it's the morning after publishing this and i have ridden the high of all of the "new comment" and "new like" emails on this post lmaooo im like VALIDATION!! CONNECTION!! and you're right - in the moment of receiving this feedback i *have* felt truly connected, and it *has* been a balm on the loneliness wound. but maybe the thing is that never lasts. it's kind of like "ok i feel connected, now what?" lol. i'm like in a good and confident mood until i get the next rejection, or until someone gets into tin house. then i need to do something else to feel connected again. it's a vicious cycle. i like your normalization of it though, that "how can we not chase this thing that does genuinely feel good?" i guess for me it is just also about remembering that NOTHING will make me PERMANENTLY feel good and connected and confident and happy, and allowing that to be ok because all emotions are part of the human experience. (obviously i dont actually want a human experience, i want a perfect one, but im like trying).
i think you are right that the writing and friendship is the actual thing. the verb of them, the writING, the connectING. being in the present moment with those experiences and not wishing for them to be different or regretting that we have not had them longer. so much of my musing gets me to "peace is in the present moment!!" but i am so prone to both fantasizing about the future and reminiscing about the past. i guess it's just finding the balance!
Oh man, I really needed this reminder - as someone also constantly thinking about success, comparing myself to others, and sometimes catching myself writing while thinking about what other people will think when they read it. Maddening, and it's all at my own hand!!!
YES! the "at my own hand" part is so real. and i know, thinking about what other people will think when they read it is like the #1 creativity killer and a guarantee that whatever i write will be boring and watered down.
i love this and you, i love how real you are and how real you write, that you have no filters, that jealousy is normal and i love how you can express your feelings perfectly
Jealousy is something I've always been soo enthralled with because I get those same exact feelings! I took a psych class my fresh year of uni for a gen-ed & in the book it said that there are only 6 real emotions (I guess I should have learned that from "Inside Out"" -- Joy, surprise, disgust, anger, fear, and sadness. All other emotions are just combinations of those feelings. Jealous is a combination of sadness, fear, and anger. I feel like that's a pretty true diagnosis.
yes!! totally. and interestingly, the "anger" part of that cocktail is really anger toward myself, i think, for not going for it in the way others do (at least in this situation of observing others' writing success).
No but like yeah girl I get you. I am soooo so happy that people are living their life and doing things and accomplishing milestones. I don’t want to take away their flowers in any way. But I turn the microscope on myself and say WHY ARENT YOU LIKE THEM HUH???? But we are all taking the same breaths and the same steps and living on the same planet and I am leaning to give myself grace while giving people their flowers. We will get there. Wherever “there” may be.
right!! i love that. it's important to be happy for other people and their flowers. if we're not, we just isolate ourselves and get bitter, which is like v much not creatively inspiring!!
Thanks for this read. I also enjoyed your short story.
There are times when I find myself wishing for the failures of others (never my friends; usually some stranger with whom I have a one-way hateship) and I have to remind myself how debased of a position that is. I also feel the same way when I'm more consumed by wanting a rival sports team to fail than for mine to do well. It's much more productive to work and root for my own success (as all as those of my friends) than to wish for negativity upon others. Because what does the latter accomplish for me?
chris, thank you so much -- especially for reading and liking the short story! my heart is really in fiction writing, so this means a lot <3
and yes lmao i so relate to these thoughts. i feel so disgusted by myself when i notice that i am wishing for failures in strangers! it's just not the kind of person i want to be. and you're right, what a waste of mental space that could be channeled into our own work. it's also just way more fun to think positive, creative thoughts about our own projects than it is to think negative thoughts about someone else's life that we don't really know the half of.
you are such a beautiful writer!! i deeply, DEEPLY feel everything you wrote. i want to be a writer but why must i write a book to do it. i feel sick, jealous, depressed so often when i'm scrolling through social media and i see story after story of people living their dreams (yet i refuse to delete it off of my phone.) i just discovered your writing but i feel like you're inside my soul. sending you love <3
thank you so much for this sweet comment. sometimes im just like, it's genuinely as simple as just showing up and doing it. like i am the only one stopping me from living out my dreams!! but still, it's hard to find the discipline, because my thinking gets in the way. and yet it is kinda nice to see so many of us are in it together. sending you love right back <3
i agree completely! doing things are way harder than they look no matter how much i may want something or feel like i can do it. as lost in our own thoughts legends it can be so tricky to just DO instead of imagining putting it into action. i'm word vomiting at this point but overall i'm so grateful i found this piece and found you <333
I feeeeeL this. The intimacy of writing alone for the length it takes to novel is isolating and infuriating in turns. I’ve “surrendered” to Substack and poetry just to maintain a rhythm?? Attempt real consistency? Or is it just to be able to feel artistic more often more openly? I don’t even really know the answer. But I’m here for whatever we’re doing lol.
"more often more openly" -- yes!! i think that's it for me! it's funny you say "surrender" bc you're right, it kind of is a surrender, but it's also kind of the opposite. like i think it's also kind of brave (ugh) of us to write openly, to believe that we have something to say enough to push through the discomfort of vulnerability and just say it! i guess that's my positive reframe, lol. i'm here for it too :)
"im jealous that they believed in themselves enough to try something hard and scary." This exact feeling has been eating me from the inside out, because i think to myself, i'm a random person! a nobody! like why should i do that? who am i to write that book/make that video/be an online presence? but at the same time, i have to believe in myself first for others to see me/read my work. and the imposter syndrome is so real and so big and so CONSUMING. Thank you for putting this feeling into words, and as always, validating me (and others.) It's incredible to know that this feeling that's eating me up is not just in me, but that it happens and it's surmountable.
omg yes, SO not just you <3 sometimes i think about how wild it is that "imposter syndrome" (which i feel, deeply) is literally just our brains having the thought that "im not good enough." like nothing in the world is ACTUALLY happening to tell us we aren't good enough, we are just choosing to believe that about ourselves (because even when things happen that we think might suggest "i'm not good enough," like a rejection or a poor performing post or whatever it is, there are tons of OTHER things that have happened that suggest that we are good enough). i heard once that we can't choose the first thought (that automatic "ugh im a piece of shit" thought that pops up when triggered) but we can choose the second thought. we can follow up that first thought with something kinder, or more encouraging. this is what im trying to do but its hard lol. im also trying to look at it as exciting. like making substack posts like this are vulnerable, but because they are scary, they add a little spice to my life. basically trying to find ways to trick myself into doing scary things, haha! thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts <3
so true!! cultivating a second thought and focusing on it rather than the first critical thought is excellent practice. so hard but so worth it. there's days that are easier to do so and other days when the first thoughts feel like massive blows and the spiralling begins. like you said, none of this is real!! literally all in our heads !
it feels deeply unfair that you have to write a novel to publish a novel, and it’s something that i frequently think about as i stare at the angry cursor at the end of my extremely unfinished short story collection lol
we’ve talked at length about professional jealousy before, and i think it’s so unavoidable as a writer. it’s deeply difficult for me to escape the question you posed: do i want to be successful, or do i want other people to think i’m successful?
for me, as mentioned in other substack comments, i’m convinced (inaccurately, i’m sure) that writing success is the cure to my loneliness. but it’s so hard to hold onto the knowledge that it ISN’T the cure when the responses i get to stories are so, so validating. my most recently published short story was wildly vulnerable in a way i don’t usually allow myself to get in my fiction, at least not fiction that sees the light of day, and i almost didn’t send it out. but as i read over it i just could not stop myself from using this story as my desperate reach for connection. and then the responses! so many people messaged me and told me how they felt reading it! and it was how i felt writing it! connection! achieved!
so how can we not chase success, when it feels like that? and how can we watch others get it, and know that now they’re feeling what we feel, and not want more in that exact moment? you have work that is so deeply vulnerable and beautiful, so i know you must be getting what i get, and probably even more so. as happy as i am for you, how can i not want what you have?
the real cure to my loneliness, probably, is the writing itself. or maybe it’s my friendship with you, and with other writers. isn’t that success? community, new stories to read, people who push me to be better. and if we’re a little jealous along the way, maybe that’s not so bad. it’s certainly not abnormal, because as far as i can tell, we all feel it <3
ugh i love your comments <3 YES. this is all so aptly timed too, as it's the morning after publishing this and i have ridden the high of all of the "new comment" and "new like" emails on this post lmaooo im like VALIDATION!! CONNECTION!! and you're right - in the moment of receiving this feedback i *have* felt truly connected, and it *has* been a balm on the loneliness wound. but maybe the thing is that never lasts. it's kind of like "ok i feel connected, now what?" lol. i'm like in a good and confident mood until i get the next rejection, or until someone gets into tin house. then i need to do something else to feel connected again. it's a vicious cycle. i like your normalization of it though, that "how can we not chase this thing that does genuinely feel good?" i guess for me it is just also about remembering that NOTHING will make me PERMANENTLY feel good and connected and confident and happy, and allowing that to be ok because all emotions are part of the human experience. (obviously i dont actually want a human experience, i want a perfect one, but im like trying).
i think you are right that the writing and friendship is the actual thing. the verb of them, the writING, the connectING. being in the present moment with those experiences and not wishing for them to be different or regretting that we have not had them longer. so much of my musing gets me to "peace is in the present moment!!" but i am so prone to both fantasizing about the future and reminiscing about the past. i guess it's just finding the balance!
Oh man, I really needed this reminder - as someone also constantly thinking about success, comparing myself to others, and sometimes catching myself writing while thinking about what other people will think when they read it. Maddening, and it's all at my own hand!!!
YES! the "at my own hand" part is so real. and i know, thinking about what other people will think when they read it is like the #1 creativity killer and a guarantee that whatever i write will be boring and watered down.
i think about this every fucking day
lollll at least we're not alone
i love this and you, i love how real you are and how real you write, that you have no filters, that jealousy is normal and i love how you can express your feelings perfectly
this is the sweetest comment -- i love you too!! so glad it resonated <3
excuse me but do you live inside of my head? love this so much!
Jealousy is something I've always been soo enthralled with because I get those same exact feelings! I took a psych class my fresh year of uni for a gen-ed & in the book it said that there are only 6 real emotions (I guess I should have learned that from "Inside Out"" -- Joy, surprise, disgust, anger, fear, and sadness. All other emotions are just combinations of those feelings. Jealous is a combination of sadness, fear, and anger. I feel like that's a pretty true diagnosis.
yes!! totally. and interestingly, the "anger" part of that cocktail is really anger toward myself, i think, for not going for it in the way others do (at least in this situation of observing others' writing success).
No but like yeah girl I get you. I am soooo so happy that people are living their life and doing things and accomplishing milestones. I don’t want to take away their flowers in any way. But I turn the microscope on myself and say WHY ARENT YOU LIKE THEM HUH???? But we are all taking the same breaths and the same steps and living on the same planet and I am leaning to give myself grace while giving people their flowers. We will get there. Wherever “there” may be.
right!! i love that. it's important to be happy for other people and their flowers. if we're not, we just isolate ourselves and get bitter, which is like v much not creatively inspiring!!
to have jealousy in response to someone's talent, not bragging rights, is such a good distinction. very much enjoyed this!
right? it was weird to realize i've been jealous of the wrong thing. thanks so so much for reading, elizabeth!! <3
Thanks for this read. I also enjoyed your short story.
There are times when I find myself wishing for the failures of others (never my friends; usually some stranger with whom I have a one-way hateship) and I have to remind myself how debased of a position that is. I also feel the same way when I'm more consumed by wanting a rival sports team to fail than for mine to do well. It's much more productive to work and root for my own success (as all as those of my friends) than to wish for negativity upon others. Because what does the latter accomplish for me?
chris, thank you so much -- especially for reading and liking the short story! my heart is really in fiction writing, so this means a lot <3
and yes lmao i so relate to these thoughts. i feel so disgusted by myself when i notice that i am wishing for failures in strangers! it's just not the kind of person i want to be. and you're right, what a waste of mental space that could be channeled into our own work. it's also just way more fun to think positive, creative thoughts about our own projects than it is to think negative thoughts about someone else's life that we don't really know the half of.
you are such a beautiful writer!! i deeply, DEEPLY feel everything you wrote. i want to be a writer but why must i write a book to do it. i feel sick, jealous, depressed so often when i'm scrolling through social media and i see story after story of people living their dreams (yet i refuse to delete it off of my phone.) i just discovered your writing but i feel like you're inside my soul. sending you love <3
thank you so much for this sweet comment. sometimes im just like, it's genuinely as simple as just showing up and doing it. like i am the only one stopping me from living out my dreams!! but still, it's hard to find the discipline, because my thinking gets in the way. and yet it is kinda nice to see so many of us are in it together. sending you love right back <3
i agree completely! doing things are way harder than they look no matter how much i may want something or feel like i can do it. as lost in our own thoughts legends it can be so tricky to just DO instead of imagining putting it into action. i'm word vomiting at this point but overall i'm so grateful i found this piece and found you <333
<333
I feeeeeL this. The intimacy of writing alone for the length it takes to novel is isolating and infuriating in turns. I’ve “surrendered” to Substack and poetry just to maintain a rhythm?? Attempt real consistency? Or is it just to be able to feel artistic more often more openly? I don’t even really know the answer. But I’m here for whatever we’re doing lol.
"more often more openly" -- yes!! i think that's it for me! it's funny you say "surrender" bc you're right, it kind of is a surrender, but it's also kind of the opposite. like i think it's also kind of brave (ugh) of us to write openly, to believe that we have something to say enough to push through the discomfort of vulnerability and just say it! i guess that's my positive reframe, lol. i'm here for it too :)